Archive for September, 2004
Spent the September weekend up in Inverness relaxing probably a little too much. We could probably have watched daytime telly at home, but it is after all slightly more exotic after a three hour drive northwards.
I was bitterly disappointed that I didn’t win the competition on ‘This Morning’ to have my mortgage paid for a year, despite my clever strategy of entering twice using two different mobile phones.
I was also quite surprised to see Phillip Schofield presenting it; I’ve not been keeping up with daytime telly developments you see.
Finally, I was rather peeved to discover Jo Brand revealing that the two most boring topics of conversation are children and peoples dreams. As an expectant father who has a blog featuring regular weird dream updates, I’m very upset to know this. Ybiia must radically change if it is to avoid becoming completely fucked. I never did like Jo Brand anyway.
On a separate note, we acquired a small desk whilst up north which is now in the living room with my computer on it. This is distressing because it marks phase one of the scheme to boot me out of my own ’study’ and turn it into a nursery.
My cherished very-very-large desk is also being booted out of the house to make room for a cot and some colourful furniture.
But that’s dangerously close to talking about kids for my liking. I also had an absolute belter of a weird dream while I was there but you’re not knowing what it is. I’m in a huff.
September 28th, 2004
The security guy at work said good morning to me again today, but it was with a mouthfull of bacon roll so it sounded kinda like this,
Me: “Good morning”
Him: “AAAFFRUGHFFFAAFF.”
Which was kinda scary to be honest.
Anyway, I had the darndest dream last night. I was in Iraq, on the run from someone. I decided to hide in a hotel. The hotel was very tall and delapidated. The hallways looked like a typical Glasgow tenement, except darker and taller and with large black wooden doors that had been painted a hundred times over many years.
What made my stay strange was the fact that I was on the run with Saddam Hussein. It started to dawn on me that I wasn’t actually on the run; I was just pretending to be on the run with Saddam until I could get a chance to turn him in.
I was aware that it was a miracle that he hadn’t suspected me for a moment despite me looking like a western bloke who dresses in western clothes.
After examining the room, (It was large, cluttered, and poorly decorated,) Saddam suggested that I go out for fish and chips.
This part of the dream is hazy, but basically I wandered around until I concluded that there are no chippies in Iraq and then I went back to the hotel.
When I got back, Saddam was standing chuckling to himself holding two fish suppers. He placed one on a saucer and handed it to me. It was clear that he had taken most of my chips and added them to his pile. The paper was all torn too. I realised that Saddam wasn’t at all clued up on the finer points of fish-supper eating etiquette. He also ate like a pig.
I was quite angry that he had sent me on a fools errand when he had contacts who could supply fish and chips all along.
Then I woke up.
September 22nd, 2004
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me
Happy birthday to me-ee
Happy birthday to me
28 today.
September 21st, 2004
Only five months to go before I become a dad. Crikey.
It has been advised to us that we build up supplies of baby-oriented things. My soon-to-be ex-study has therefore acquired a small but impressive stack of baby-wipes and nappies. It’s dead complicated though all this baby business - you have to think about a little person who grows very fast so you end up saying ‘Oh, I can’t buy that tiny and cute little jacket because by that time it’ll be summer and he’ll have doubled in size’. It’s these little things you don’t think of, you see.
And I did say ‘he’ because the wonders of science have revealed that it is indeed a little boy. This has made the process of picking names so much simpler. Simpler that is, apart from the whole joint decision thing that messes up all my plans.
Apparently, despite an initial warm reception, ‘Calvin’ is no longer a good choice. I am also trying to resist ‘Zack’ for as long as I possibly can.
My only hope is that the missus will still be in hospital while I’m dispatched to the little office where baby names are registered (Or whatever it is that happens). They’ll both thank me in the long-run.
September 16th, 2004
In my last job, we got free cakes every Friday. In this new one, we get a free curry buffet every Friday. Curry wins you might say.
Unfortunately, if I eat curry I tend to smell of curry for about two days. A curry every Friday will of course cover every weekend meaning that my wife won’t come near me for that period.
This new company could risk my sex life.
Advantage - cakes.
We shall see how this interesting development pans out.
September 10th, 2004
I’d been considering leaving my last company for quite some time. The reasons were multiple and various, as were the reasons keeping me there. Eventually an opportunity arose and I took it. To be honest I was debating with myself for a while wether I was doing the right thing, but in the end nothing is ever as scary as it seems so all has turned out fine.
When I came to this new place for my interview, the first thing that struck me was the doorman. Not literally struck me. Well - almost.
“Take this” (Throws visitor badge at me angrily)
“Ow”
“What’s your name? WHAT’S YOUR NAME??”
“Uuuhhh”
“Grrrr”
“…”
He looks a bit like Marlon Brando in the less flattering stages of his life, and is ten times as scary. He is quite honestly the most outwardly miserable man I’ve ever encountered, to the point of it being great comedy.
I made it my business to get him to say good morning to me. I like a challenge and this seemed exactly like a challenge. On day one I signed my name on the sheet as required and muttered a nervous “Good morning”. He sneered and turned away with an air of thick contempt.
Day two - I was walking towards the office from the car park and spotted him at the edge of the car park in front of me. Part of me was relieved that I could sign my name without fear of the sneer, and part of me was nervous about walking past him and offending him with my presence.
As I walked past, he turned his head towards me.
“hello”
Christ - I didn’t expect that. Was the challenge over?
“Good morning”
In hindsight it wasn’t so much an end to the challenge, but more of a warning. Him telling me that the ball is in his court. He controls the ‘hello’s and where they might be delivered.
Sure enough on day three - silence.
Day four, today, he wasn’t even here. He knows what I’m doing and he’s trying everything to stop me. I’ll break him though. One day I’ll be able to walk in here and say ‘good morning’ and know that I’ll get a ‘good morning’ back again. The challenge has only just begun.
September 8th, 2004
So where have I been?
Well I started a new job yesterday. All very… new. I have to say that I’m very impressed with the setup here. Compared to my last place (On first impressions at least) the QA system pisses all over what I’ve had experience of. It’s also a very… how shall I put it?.. geeky company. Hopefully that means I’ll fit right in.
Just a short blog-note today though since I’m about to go back into training. Four week induction you see.
Four weeks. Induction.
Four.
So anyway, more tomorrow when I get more time at lunchtime. Too busy eating the free sarnies today, y’see 
September 7th, 2004
