Need to know

It’s strange where conversations wander to on a Friday afternoon pub lunch. Today’s main topic: What do you do with your hands when you’re getting a blow job? It’s an important question, and frankly we need to know the answer.

Add comment September 26th, 2003

Weirder dreams

I never usually remember my dreams. I sometimes go through phases of crazed dreaming though and I think that I must be enjoying such a phase at the moment. Not quite as extreme as Alex but they are at least extremely odd.

Last night’s was one such oddity. It was in the form of a documentary, nostalgically looking back at a long-running comedy gameshow. I forget what the gameshow was called, but the dream featured the first episode of the show in its entirety, which was hosted by the cast of Monty Python.

Graham Chapman was lying face-up on a wooden block in front of a castle. It looked like a scene from the Holy Grail. Someone had a bucket of mud and a ladel and was roughly splattering ladels of the stuff into his mouth as the rest of the pythons looked on with shamed, sad, helpless faces.

He had to swallow the mud and shout out a two-word insult. I think the point of the game was to be as inventive as possible in your insults without repeating yourself. It went something like…

(splat), (gulp)
Graham: Incontinent bastard!
(splat), (gulp)
Graham: Malformed dumpling!
(splat), (gulp)
Graham: Useless dog!

This lasted for the duration of the show. It then cut to the current version of the show, which was still based on insults but was in a sleek black and purple studio, presented by Sarah Cox.

In this version of the show, one contestant had to write insults onto little purple jelly-beans and throw them at another contestant, who had to dodge the beans. It was during an interview with Sarah Cox about the show that she revealed that she had her own secret stash of insult beans that no-one must know about.

Suddenly, the presenter of the documentary spied the little pile of beans in the corner of the studio and ran to get them before Sarah could stop him. The beans had insults on them intended for one of Sarah’s ex-lovers. It was when the presenter started hurling the insult beans at Sarah that I woke up.

Add comment September 26th, 2003